Armchair

A Conversation

It’s hard for me to isolate issues inside my mind.

I tend to look at the series as a whole.

The thoughts merge into one big emotion.

“Why do you think that is?”

I wish I could tell you.

When I think about my problems,

I see the most lamentable Tragedy of my life.

When I try to read between the lines,

I only see myself.

“Do you like seeing yourself?”

Sometimes.

It’s nice to be reminded that

Ultimately I’m the parent of all my thoughts

Superseding any alien-origin

It lets me get creative with them

But I wish I could point to a source or maybe

Even a figurehead, some abstraction

“You don’t feel like you’re in control of your thinking?”

I guess I don’t. I’m not sure how you figured

That.

…

You can’t—?

“I can’t read minds.”

Hm. 

I don’t feel like I’m in control a majority

Of the time.

But then I start to put words on a page.

“Like you are now?”

Well,

Not now.

I’m sure I will eventually though.

When I do,

The page meets my mind and 

I suppose I’m in control.

More like I’m steering through a conversation

Within myself?

“Like an inner voice?”

I don’t have an inner voice. 

It’s like my thoughts think for me.

You ever see Transformers?

“Sure. The robots?”

Yeah. 

My mind is kind of like bumblebee,

Flipping through the channels of myself 

In order to express itself.

It sounds exciting but it ends up disorienting me.

I can’t focus on one thing

When

I need a hundred more

Just to find the solution.

Once I get done channel flipping, I’ve lost

The source trail back.

“Have you tried keeping a journal on you?”

It’s faster than I can write. 

It’s not word association,

It’s something else,

It’s confusing,

What do I do?

“Do you feel like you’re not enough”

Well—

“How do you handle failure?”

Uh.

“Do you feel that you’re letting everyone down?”

Maybe?

“Have you considered that you’re just different?”

I don’t really want to be different though.

At the end of the day.

It’s isolating.

I try to read these authors

Can’t even follow where they’re going

I find myself unrelatable

True or not

It keeps me from tapping shoulders

Or just

Introducing myself when asked

So I introduce someone else

Someone stereotypical likable

The problem arises 

When they start liking this 

Someone else

It only reinforces 

The neurotic

View-Master

That is my mind

You know?

“We’re out of time”